Most everyone, it seems, has a first-hand experience with the horrors of self-tanning gone terribly wrong.

For me, it was back in the 1970s when the first "bronzing" creams hit the market.

One of my favorite aunts (whom shall remain nameless, upon pain of my castration; and who compulsively embraces the latest fashion trends, no matter how bizarre) showed up at a family barbecue proudly displaying the results of her new and very pricey tanning treatment.

Her skin was bright orange. She looked exactly like a cheese doodle in a Farrah Fawcett wig.

We all had quite the laugh at her expense. Insulted, my aunt stomped off with my uncle quietly in tow. We didn't see her again until her "tan" was gone.

That was almost thirty years ago. No one, I believe, is more relieved than she to know that self-tanners have come a long way since those days. There are now plenty of affordable preparations on the market, and many of them produce fairly acceptable-looking results.

But there's more to self-tanners than just slopping them on like sunscreen. Apply one improperly, and even George Hamilton will tell you there isn't enough fame or money in the world to keep people from snickering behind your back.

Use them as directed, however, and you'll have a deep, rich tan without the added risk of sun damage. So listen up.

Avoid Tanning Pills
You've probably seen hucksters shilling this crap with all kinds of talk about Vitamin A from fruits, vegetables, and flowers. Tanning pills will, in fact, turn your skin bright red or orange. Pills that contain beta carotene or canthaxanthin are banned by the FDA due to dangerous side effects like liver damage, abdominal cramps, nausea, diarrhea, and eye discoloration.

If you want to self-tan, use a cream. A good cream.

How Good Self-tanning Creams Work
Most good self-tanners contain dihydroxyacetone (DHA) as their active ingredient. DHA sounds frightening, but it's actually an FDA-approved sugar cane derivative that produces a tan by reacting with the proteins in your skin's keratin. This is a perfectly safe process.

The most important thing to remember about self-tanners is that they do not protect your skin from the sun — even if they advertise a sun protection factor (SPF) of whatever on the bottle. Don't let the SPF label lull you into a false sense of security. Always (always, always) use a sunscreen or sunblock with any self-tanning product.

Steps to the Perfect Artificial Tan
Follow these simple guidelines, and you'll be self-tanning like a pro in no time.

1. Plan ahead. If you hope to brag about your "trip to the Caribbean" at a weekend social engagement, then be sure to self-tan at least four or five days before the event. Don't expect the cream to work within a few hours.



2. Wear rubber surgical gloves. Gloves help to evenly distribute the self-tanner, and they keep your palms from tanning. You'll find surgical gloves at just about any drugstore.



3. Always use a good exfoliating body scrub before you self-tan. The skin's surface is ordinarily flaky, uneven, and rough. Smooth skin prevents streaking and blotching. Needless to say, this raises questions about whether particularly furry guys should try to self-tan. If you have your fair share of hair, be sure to use those rubber gloves against the direction of hair growth — and double your dose of self-tanner.



4. Moisturize. This is an essential step to successful self-tanning. Apply a generous amount of hydrating body lotion to your newly exfoliated skin and let it soak in for about 10-15 minutes. Self-tanner tends to concentrate on dry or dehydrated patches of skin. Without moisturizer, your results may be very uneven and disappointing.



5. Avoid boney areas. Self-tanner also concentrates on elbows, ankles, and knees, making them appear darker than the rest of your skin. Mix the self-tanner with moisturizer when you apply to these areas.



6. Apply twice the first day, once every two days thereafter. Your first applications should be in the morning and night of the same day. Apply once every second evening, before bed, to maintain your tan. Always let the self-tanner dry thoroughly before you go to sleep. If you're pressed for time, use a hairdryer to speed up the process.



7. Fix your mistakes. If you overdid it in certain areas, don't freak out. Apply a glycolic skin toner to the area, twice a day, to quickly fade the dark spot.



8. Discontinue if you get a rash! Dihydroxyacetone can, in rare instances, cause contact dermatitis. If a rash starts to develop after you've applied the self-tanner, discontinue its use at once.