For too many men's skin care aficionados, the word "alcohol" evokes something akin to ideological partisanship.

Alcohol, I often hear argued, is part of an axis of evil that includes surfactants, waxes, fillers, and celebrity fragrances.

Alcohol dries the skin. It irritates freshly shaven faces. According to one massively idiotic yet widely quoted "Consumer Dictionary," cosmetic alcohol is a poisonous petroleum-derived elixir that causes headaches, flushing, dizziness, mental depression, nausea, vomiting, narcosis, coma, and projectile flatulence. Wow.

Given everything we think we know about alcohol in cosmetics, it's a wonder our fathers survived their Aqua Velva years without slipping into a collective toxic-shock induced stupor.

In fact, cosmetic alcohol is not a single ingredient but many. These highly specialized chemicals aren't the twisted spawn of evil-doers but instead perform different functions and affect the skin in different ways – most often with surprisingly beneficial results.

Also in fact, the so-called "alcohol-free" products sitting on your shelf right now very likely contain some anonymous form of alcohol. And if you find that shocking (gasp), you'll be doubly surprised to learn that a few more of your most cherished beliefs about alcohol are probably wrong.

(Half) Truth in Advertising
In cosmetic labeling, the word "alcohol" by itself refers to ethyl alcohol (AKA ethanol, grain alcohol, or rubbing alcohol). Pure ethyl alcohol provides an antibacterial function but is rarely used in cosmetics because of its strong drying effect on the skin.

If a cosmetic product contains no ethyl alcohol, marketers are permitted to display "alcohol free" on the product label. And according to FDA, cosmetic products labeled "alcohol free" may contain cetyl, stearyl, cetearyl, or lanolin alcohols.

All perfectly legal. And all apparently misleading. Right?

Not exactly. These particular chemicals are known as fatty alcohols. Fatty alcohols are usually produced from saturated fatty acids found in plants or in nut meats. Their effects on the skin are quite different from those of ethyl alcohol and so they are not considered to be the same class of ingredient.

Cetyl Alcohol
My favorite reference source (that Consumer Dictionary I mentioned earlier) informs us that cetyl alcohol comes from "spermaceti" or "whale sperm." A truly laughable statement, when you consider that spermaceti is in fact a waxy solid derived from the oil of sperm whale blubber. Regardless, the cetyl alcohol found in modern personal care products is derived from coconut oil. It's a lubricant used to stabilize oil and water emulsifications. Which means, without it, your favorite moisturizer, lotion or aftershave balm would look more like unshaken salad dressing. Not an appetizing thought.

Cetyl alcohol is non-irritating, does not dry the skin, and is not known to complicate acne.

Stearyl Alcohol
This is another former whale and dolphin byproduct that is today, thankfully, synthesized from stearic acid.

Yes, the same stearic acid our enlightened Consumer Dictionary says is produced from the fat of pigs, sheep, cows, and euthanized animal-shelter pets. (Actually, stearic acid comes from palm trees. But never let anything as trivial as the truth ruin a good thesis.)

Like cetyl alcohol, stearyl alcohol is used as an emulsifier and thickener. However, this multitalented alcohol is also a skin softener and a nonionic surfactant used in shampoos and conditioners to restore frizzy hair.

Stearyl alcohol is non-irritating, does not dry the skin, and is not known to complicate acne.

Cetearyl Alcohol
Cetearyl alcohol is literally the bastard child of cetyl and stearyl alcohols. It is a white, waxy solid that exhibits characteristics of cetyl alcohol combined with the emulsifying effect of stearyl alcohol. It is a very effective thickener that helps form extremely stable emulsions in water-in-oil (full moisturizer) and oil-in-water (oil-free lotion) preparations.

Acetylated Lanolin Alcohol
Known as "sheep alcohol," this non-drying chemical is made from the fat of wool shearings (lanolin) that's been reacted to acetic acid and a small amount of lye. There are synethic variants available, but ironically the animal-derived product has more anti-allergenic tendencies. Acetylated lanolin alcohol is used as an emollient, to soften skin, but is highly comedogenic.

So if you frequently erupt with whiteheads or blackheads, stay away from this stuff. And sheep.

Okay, But What about SD Alcohol?
Good question. When it's present in high enough concentrations, ethyl alcohol must be rendered undrinkable so that it cannot be illegally diverted for use in alcoholic beverages. This process is called denaturing. When ethyl alcohol is specially denatured, it appears on cosmetic labels as "SD Alcohol" or "Alcohol Denat."

This highly purified form of alcohol is used in cosmetics as a vehicle to deliver ingredients to the skin's surface. SD Alcohol evaporates almost instantly, which makes it an ideal base for fragrances and toner/astringents. It also doesn't stay on your skin long enough to harm it – though you will feel some stinging on cuts or freshly shaven skin before it vanishes completely.

See? It's Really Not That Bad
The next time you're obsessing over the small amounts of alcohol in your favorite face preparation, have a closer look at the label. Chances are, the alcohol in it belongs on the side of righteousness and won't doom your face to eternal damnation as a dried prune.