I don't care how buff you are, or how tightly packed your buns might be. No man should ever wear a thong bathing suit.

By no man, I of course mean me.

There was a time — about thirty pounds ago; I was a competitive swimmer in high school — when I might have had the body for a banana hammock. These days, my arse in a thong bathing suit looks something like a bag of oatmeal wrapped in packing twine.

So I traded my Aqua Vista butt floss for a pair of sensible suburbanite boxer trunks. My wife pretends to be disappointed. But I suspect the beach bunnies have been secretly thanking me ever since.

Spring String
With spring break fast approaching, it's time for many young bucks to herd south for a week of stuff-strutting under the blazing tropic sun. Most of you have already packed your Rainbow Shimmer T-back thongs. And now you're on the prowl for some serious hair removal before you head beach-side to model what God gave you and the gym made you.

Well, you're in luck. Today, there are men's esthetic services a-plenty that will happily wax the short-and-curlies from your sculpted package. (For a hefty fee.) Or, if you're on a budget, you can grit your teeth and perform the eye-popping deed on your own.

In either case, a hair-free hide is all the rage among string-wearing males of a certain age. Just be sure you know what's involved in any professional or home wax treatment, before you pass the point of no-return.

Brazilian Nuts
The Brazilian Wax treatment was introduced to North America in the late 1980s by J. Sisters International, a Manhattan salon that is owned and operated by seven clearly insane sisters from Brazil. The Brazilian is an all-over body hair removal treatment that chiefly involves the buttocks, pubic area, and dark crevasses in a ritual of pain so spectacular there are few words to describe it.

Most charitable estheticians will provide a tongue depressor to sink your teeth into during treatment. Some will turn up the salon's sound system so you can scream 'til you burst a blood vessel.

Regardless, all that remains after a successful waxing is smooth, bump-free skin and a three-finger-wide strip above your frank and beans — perfect for men's thong back, Brazil back, and dental floss G-string bikinis.

A few words of advice before you proceed:

1. This isn't a treatment you can perform at home, on yourself. I'll say it again: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Always seek the services of a licensed esthetician who is trained in the Brazilian technique. Ask to see his or her credentials. If the esthetician you speak to seems uncertain about the Brazilian, or can't supply documented proof that he or she has received the appropriate schooling — run! Run far away and never return.



2. You'll receive your Brazilian in a separate treatment room or behind a privacy screen. But get ready to swallow your pride. This service involves a certain amount of nudity (on your part, wise guy) and some very embarrassing positions (think ankles behind the ears, and you're almost there).



3. It's not easy to find a Brazilian specialist who's comfortable with men, so call ahead. You can't just walk in off the street and ask a room full of women to wax your tackle. (Well, you could. But you better be damned certain you're standing in a salon, before you open your mouth.)



4. If you want anyone to work professionally in such close quarters, show some respect. Shower immediately before treatment, don't hit on your esthetician, and lay off the bean burritos for a few days.

A well-executed Brazilian will leave you with a sleek physique for about two months. Treatment costs anywhere from $20 to $75 dollars or more. If you plan to cheap out, think again. Price is usually determined by the esthetician's level of experience.

Bikini Whacks
If institutionalized torture isn't your particular brand of vodka, you can always take a subtler approach to your swimwear prep work. A bikini wax, for instance, is far less invasive than the Brazilian and can be performed at the salon, by a professional, or at home with any drugstore wax kit and a tube of Brave Soldier Code Blue afterwaxing gel.

The purpose of a bikini wax for men is to eliminate exposed fur around a Speedo style bathing suit. Generally, this means you can leave your sit-upon and crotch areas to their own devices and concentrate instead on your legs and the insides of your thighs.

A professional bikini wax starts at around $20 and can go as high as $60 (excluding tip) for a bikini-leg combo. At-home treatment will run you about $50, so there's no real savings if you plan to wax only once. But if you live on the beach and make hair removal a bi-monthly grooming ritual, then at-home definitely offers a long-term price advantage.

It's relatively easy to give yourself a professional looking bikini treatment. Just slip on your Speedo and wax around it, then apply some Code Blue. Be sure to check out our article, Joy of Wax, for important safety and application tips.

And take your time! Rush the job and you'll regret it instantly. The skin on your thighs is extraordinarily sensitive, so it's best if you practice your technique on an arm or leg before getting to the gritty. One wrong move and you'll be wearing your testicles as earrings. Guaranteed.

Dos and Don'ts
DO wear your highest cut bathing suit for a bikini wax.

DO read all of the wax kit instructions, and practice on a test strip (arm or leg), before you perform an at-home treatment.

DO use a good body scrub between wax treatments, to discourage in-grown hairs.

DO shower or bathe with a sensitive-skin cleansing gel for three to five days after treatment.

DO NOT shave the treatment area for at least 10 to 14 days before you wax.

DO NOT use body lotion, body oil, or deodorant (if you plan to wax your pits) on the day of your treatment.

DO NOT become overheated or take a hot shower or bathe immediately after treatment.

DO NOT expose yourself to the sun or use a tanning booth, if you're still red after treatment.