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Hell Toupee
or "how much was that doggie on your forehead?"
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James Whittall

By James Whittall
MenEssentials President
Published November 2000

Lately, I've noticed that the hair on my head isn't nearly so adventurous as the hair in my nose. I've actually developed something of a widow's peak, where I had a Cro-Magnon hairline before.

Such is middle age. My late thirties are as much about hair loss and love handles as they are about mortgages and minivans.

Not that I'm complaining. There are millions of younger guys who have to comb their hair with a towel. And judging by the tenor of most hair treatment commercials, male pattern baldness is their private hell, a shame that must never be borne.

Which is, of course, marketing baloney. No dignified man would ever subject himself to a transplant — or spray-on hair, or one of those road-kill toupees. Despite what you may believe, most women think balding men are sexy. And a shorn scalp says so much more about you, as an individual, than a comb-over.

So, do you have the guts for cranial nudity? Then do it right the first time.

1. Give yourself a "buzz" cut. Better yet, ask your better half to do it for you — topless. (This was actually my wife's idea. It's loads of fun, and cut hair washes more easily from skin than from clothing.) Use an electric trimmer with a No.1 or No.2 attachment. Be sure to lay down newspaper or a drop cloth to catch your hair clippings, or you'll be sweeping the bathroom floor for hours.

2. Take a 10-minute hot shower. The steam will soften your hair and open the pores of your scalp.

3. Prepare your scalp before you shave. With very warm water, wet your head and a washcloth. Lightly soap the washcloth. With slight pressure, glide the cloth upward against the grain of your hair, starting at the back of the head. This makes your hair stand up for easier shaving.

4. Rinse off your scalp. Then rinse and wring out the washcloth and place it on your head for one or two minutes. This prevents razor burn by softening the hairs.

5. Lubricate your skin. Splash a layer of warm water on your head, then apply a ¼ inch to ½ inch coat of shave cream or shave gel onto your head. Wait three to five minutes.

6. Run very hot water over the blades of your razor. Use new blades. Never shave with blades that are clogged with lather and cut hair.

7. Start shaving. Using a mirror to see what you're doing, shave as much hair off as possible with a single sweep of your razor. Do not repeatedly shave an area, since this can cause razor burn. Begin to shave where your hair is at its thickest and fullest (usually the back of the head), then move to areas where your hair has started to thin. If you've just buzzed your head, then you'll probably only be able to shave for about and inch or two before you have to stop and rinse out your razor. Take it easy. Be patient. You absolutely do not want nicks or scrapes.

8. Check yourself before you finish. Run both hands over your head to feel for patches that you may have missed.

9. Apply an SPF enhanced aftershave balm to your scalp to restore moisture, relieve razor burn, and protect your vulnerable pink scalp from sun damage.

10. Exfoliate your skin twice a week before you shave again. This removes dead skin from your scalp, which gives you a closer shave and prevents problems with ingrown hairs.

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Notice to Reader: The men's skin care and grooming advice on this web site or in correspondence with customers is intended to educate and entertain. It does not replace the counsel of a physician. Seek the advice of a doctor if your skin condition warrants medical attention.