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Traveling, Man
or "how not to attract insects of the bloodsucking variety"
June 24 is St-Jean-Baptiste Day in Quebec. This celebration of the patron saint of French Canadians officially marks the start of summer with nationalist parades, binge drinking, a fair amount of public urination, and near-endless streams of horrified English Quebecers who flee their towns and cities to avoid the carnage.
Like many of my less adventurous fellow Quebecers, I retreated to the countryside for the holiday. And so it was that I found myself packing for a long weekend's camping trip to Sharbot Lake, a provincial park in eastern Ontario, while my French neighbors took to the streets with their blue-and-white fleurs de lis.
I'm no stranger to the great outdoors. My earliest childhood memories of summer include annual wilderness excursions to a remote island in the Laurentians north of Montreal. These days, however, my skin takes a nasty turn when it's deprived the comforts of home – evidence, no doubt, that I'm getting soft in my middle age.
Softness I can remedy by hefting my lard ass onto a StairMaster fives times a week. But bad skin is bad for business. So how does one pack, grooming-wise, to get away from it all and still keep up appearances?
Here's my crib sheet. Use it or abuse it.
Camping
Camping is the ultimate in minimalist vacations. It's not so much what you bring with you as what you leave behind that defines the experience.
That said, there's a world of difference between turning your back on civilization and being uncivilized. I may elect not to change my underwear for a week while I'm sacked out in the woods. But monkeys will fly out of my butt before I resort to a dollar-store soap bar as my shampoo, body wash and shave cream.
Two-in-one shower gel/shampoo is a real space saver, but strong fragrances attract insects of the biting or bloodsucking variety. So I stick with something innocuous, like Acca Kappa's cedar shower shampoo – a fragranced two-in-one, but it makes me smell like a tree. In my imagination, this confuses the bugs.
Multifunction shave cream or gel with skin conditioners is an ideal way to replace aftershave balm without foregoing a post-shave moisturizer, leaving just enough room in your Dopp bag for other essentials like a small first aid kit and antiseptic ointment.
Travel razor, toothbrush, toothpaste and antiperspirant stick complete my streamlined grooming ensemble. But I'll usually trade shaving gear for deep woods insect spray with DEET if I can't pack everything on my list. Believe me, shaving's the least of your concerns when you're being swarmed by flies the size of Buicks.
Oh yes, and don't forget sunscreen! Water-resistant is best but you'll still need to re-apply after swimming for longer than five or 10 minutes.
Packing List (Dopp Bag)
2-in-1 shampoo/shower gel (Acca Kappa Shower Shampoo)
Business Trip
These days, traveling for business can be a touchy proposition. Most airport security personnel will politely but firmly harass anyone who flies without luggage – worse, if you're packing anything that has the potential to explode, cut, poke or pinch.
I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with heightened security at airports. But I know of people who find it outrageously inconvenient at best and, at worst, an affront to their rights as free men.
To these individuals, I say zero tolerance is zero tolerance, whether or not you approve. So zip it and let security do its work. Better yet, cheerfully cooperate and you'll have enough time before your flight for a leisurely latté at the boarding area Starbucks.
When packing your carry-on, do not include:
- A double edge safety razor. Check it, if you have luggage; remove the blade and carry on the razor handle; bring a disposable, or buy a disposable when you arrive at your destination.
- A can of shave foam. Pressurized containers are easily transformed into explosive devices. Bring a tube of shave cream or a small bottle of shave oil.
- Nail clippers (knife attached), metal scissors, cuticle pushers, or pointy metal nail files. Some airports permit these items; others don't. Check the airport website, if you're not sure. Better yet, suck it up and get your hands done at the hotel by a professional manicurist.
- Alcohol-based colognes. Permitted in limited quantities, but not in aerosol form.
Think I’m kidding? A Canadian airport recently went into emergency lock-down, delaying dozens of flights and hundreds of travelers, because some pin-striped bozo had a souvenir letter opener in his briefcase.
Plan twice, pack once, and you'll get where you're going with minimal fuss.
Packing List (Carry On)
Resort Getaway
A lengthier stay means more baggage and plenty of space for your important grooming requisites. Pack what you need, but be sure to bring a fragrance that's suitable to your destination environment. There's no need to complicate things: citrus for warm weather, spice/tobacco/woods for colder climes.
You might also wish to call the resort beforehand to inquire about the softness of the water. At first glance, this seems contrived and fussy. But hard water means less foam and more product wasted in the shower. In such cases, bring a modestly priced body cleansing gel and shampoo.
Unless, of course, you happen to dig on the girly bath stuff they leave in your room. In which case, knock yourself out, Mac.
Packing List (Baggage Check)
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