Return to MenEssentials.com 2007 Guide to Men's Spa Services or, "Executive Hummers and Fast Food for the Soul" By James Whittall MenEssentials President Published February 2007 Another February and yet another guide to men's spa services, which we publish every year at this time. So what's changed in the last 365-odd days? In a word, little. Which leads me to conclude that the market for men's spa services doesn't actually exist. For if it did, guys would hardly be shelling out the kind of dough that they are for McGrooming, or what I like to call fast food for the soul. Let's not mince words: the reason why spa services for men are such ubiquitously boring, overpriced shite is because most men have no expectation for better. Manicure, shave treatment, foot detailing, executive hummers — these are salon services, pricey little pick-me-ups offered in a high-pressure retail sales environment to augment the owners' meager earnings from cuts and styles. These most certainly are not spa. The purpose of spa — at least, according to the International Spa Association — is to enhance your overall well-being through professional services that encourage the renewal of body, mind and spirit. Precisely what type of renewal do you achieve when your Men's Skin Care Expert interrupts a facial to remind you that the scrub she's using can be purchased at the door while you're paying for your treatment? Call me a grumpy old fart, but a half-hour of "me" time shouldn't include Megan's scripted sales pitch designed to expediently move my ass out of her chair and into the checkout line. McGrooming exists because men prefer convenience. Happily for McGrooming franchisees, convenience is the perfect business model. It costs almost nothing to provide and dearly to enjoy. Spa, on the other hand, is about completely extracting yourself from the daily grind. It's about time served in the maintenance of your chi — and if you think that's too touchy-feely for your studly self, continue to pay up for your presidential hand job. The rest of us will be chillin' for less, and getting more for the privilege. Le Nordik Scandinavian Spa 16 Nordik Road Chelsea, Quebec 866.575.3700 Set into a cragged hillside overlooking Chelsea, a tony ski village 20 minutes from my home, Le Nordik is a massive, immaculately designed outdoor Scandinavian bath facility that features a Finnish sauna, steam room, cold and temperate pools, Nordic waterfall, hot tub, fire pit, and enough university-age bikini-clad spa-goers to make Cialis a ridiculous anachronism. For $37 (Canadian) per person, you get a full day's access to Le Nordik's amenities (excluding massage, available in 60 and 90 minute sessions starting at $95 per individual or $119 per couple). For $99 per couple, Le Nordik accompanies its Scandinavian bath package with your choice of gourmet cheese platter and wine, chocolate fondue and port, or a sandwich, salad and non-alcoholic beverage. You'd be hard-pressed to find any service of similar value at your local grooming salon — unless you consider flat-screen TVs and root beer to be inherently valuable. And as far as couples spa packages go, trust me, this one scores major brownie points. The idea behind Scandinavian bath is quite simple. Bring a swimsuit, robe, and sandals. Le Nordik supplies towels and a bottle of spring water for the sauna and steam room. Work up a good sweat in either, then run like hell through the snow to either the cold pool, temperate pool or waterfall, douse yourself until you're wearing your testicles as earrings, then scoot, quick like a bunny, to the sauna or steam room for another 15-minute meltdown. Repeat as often as you like. (And you will. Because, as I already mentioned, the place is crawling with women. Cold women. In bikinis.) Finish off with a good 20-or-so minutes in the hot tub, and you're done. What happens next is so unexpected that it might actually floor you. You get dressed, head out to your car, and about halfway through the parking lot you suddenly become aware of a full-body sense of warmth and well-being emanating from so deeply within that there doesn't seem to be a bottom. It's that noticeable and it lasts for days. Without question, a remarkable experience for the money — especially on a mild Canadian winter's eve, when women without parkas are but a dim memory. Chopperz 2906 NW Stucki Avenue Hillsboro, Oregon 503.924.3133 After pissing all over salon spa services for the first half of this article, you might wonder why I chose to hold such an establishment as the paradigm of service we men so sorely lack. In truth, I wouldn't have spent more than five minutes on these guys, had the owner not written to me with such sincerity about his business philosophy. I'll commend any barber who tells me, straight up, that today's grooming studios are repackaged women's salons with manly names for girly services. Although a little too strident in his belief that "no guy wants to see his buddy get his toes done" (seriously, when was the last time you and your crew went for a posse pedicure?), Chopperz founder and all around good guy Marco Sison is adamant in his conviction that most men are sophisticated enough to know when a girl in a tight shirt wants to sell them a massage or manicure. In fact, Sison actively markets Chopperz as the "non-salon," a no-nonsense, zero-spa-menu barbershop whose stylists are expertly trained to provide one of two fairly priced services: shave or haircut. I'm certain Chopperz haircuts are all that and a bag of chips. The service that really caught my interest, though, was the straight razor shave. These days, it's hard enough to find anyone who's skilled in the art of a cutthroat. But a five-step, stress-erasing, ultra-close shave with steamed towels in between? For the paltry sum of $35? Sign me up! "Regular guys can be well groomed and indulged, without being treated like testicled versions of their female counterparts," Sison told me. "The current state of the industry blows. But I don't share your sentiment that other salons use boobs, beer, and ESPN to cover up bad service. Quality of service and an entertaining atmosphere aren't mutually exclusive. Guys deserve both." Fair enough, Marco. I stand corrected. Copyright © MenEssentials Corporation. All rights reserved.